These last few weeks I have been struggling with horrible stomach pains. Serious stomach pains. John-Hurt-in-Alien-style stomach pains. I thought it was just my body expressing how much it hates me, as per usual, but was nagged into going to the doctor by my loving mother. Dr. referred me to an allergist and I had my appointment yesterday.

After being pricked repeatedly by Nurse Ratchet’s nastier real-life counterpart, it turned out that I am allergic to EVERYTHING. Well, not everything, but everything good. To wit,

• Wheat
• Soy
• Potato
• Chicken (CHICKEN!!??)
• Beef
• Pork
• Shellfish
• Corn
• Carrots
• Yeast
• Milk and all Dairy

Um, what? This is like 3 of the 4 food groups…Sigh sigh sigh…The doctor suggested I try alternatives like Bison, Horse meat and Rice flour. Greaaat… (Bison is actually tasty but not readily available in most major supermarkets, ya dig?) Anyways, after having a “Farewell to the good stuff” binge last night (cheeseburger, fries and cupcake for dessert), today is the 1st day of the rest of my life.

My plan is to consume only chocolate and red wine until further notice. Wish me luck.